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:iconthelonelywolf678: More from thelonelywolf678


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Literature by LunaIntegrity


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Submitted on
September 4, 2013
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Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Forget the past
Tainted by lust
Man the mast
And sail the sea
Before you pay a hearty fee

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Forget the past
Oh you must!
Play the mouse
And flee flee flee
Before the monster catches thee

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Just give in
You've already been beat
Into the river
With your hopes and dreams
Out with hatred and misery

Ashes to ashes.

Dust to dust

I cant forget,

As I succumb to rust
This will be the last writing ill be posting for a while. I just needed to vent when I wrote this and thought it sounded kinda nice so I wanted to share it. It has many meaning to me, but it all gose back to the same thing: You cant run form the past. Itll always come back to bite you
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:iconiridescentcatalyst:
First off, the title already caught my attention, as it sounds nice to say and is pleasing to the ear. As I continued to read, the rhyming and repetition creates impact and emphasis as well as makes the poem flow. The first metaphor with the ship is nicely illustrated, and is open to interpretation, which is good. Once again, the repetition of the first line and title is seen again, creating even more emphasis. The next part is in second person, and it feels as if someone is talking to me, making the poem that much more emotional. As for the last couple of lines, I like how there is even more repetition as well as how the lines are spaced out, creating the clincher ending. The only thing I would really even criticize is to put the apostrophe in "can't" near the end, and to consider adding more punctuation. Overall, you did a good job at creating an atmosphere as well as feeling. It is a sad poem, but I like it because it is. I'm sorry that this is partially based off of your own experience.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconorpheus14:
orpheus14 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014
The critique is unclear if the personal experience is 'a counsel' and if so, the dangerous entitled to sorrow and regret isn't easily felt but entices more unhappiness .  Rather the experiential descriptions could be more impersonal.   MauloCURSE YOU! 
Reply
:iconholyheroine:
HolyHeroine Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful dude, I'm speechless... don't ever give up writing. You're fantastic at it.
Reply
:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you. Its comments like this that keeps me from stopping :)
Reply
:iconholyheroine:
HolyHeroine Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :) just know it dude and live it. 
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:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2014  Student Writer
That's what I plan on doing :)
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:iconiridescentcatalyst:
IridescentCatalyst Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013
This is a song?
Reply
:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013  Student Writer
Yes, at least I wrote it to be like one :)
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:iconsynergyarrow:
synergyarrow Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013
Nice rhythm and rhyme!
Reply
:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Student Writer
I tried really hard on those, thanks :)
Reply
:iconchibifananime:
chibiFANanime Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wow, it reminds me of the game 'Rule of Rose' .. Q v Q
Reply
:iconlenabelle02:
Lenabelle02 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I was wondering why this poem sounded so familiar!
Reply
:iconchibifananime:
chibiFANanime Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Lolololol. I know it from the gameplay of 'Cryaotic' :meow:
MAYBE YA KNOW CRY?! :D
Reply
:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013  Student Writer
I love cry! I think ima go watch him now actually :3
Reply
:iconchibifananime:
chibiFANanime Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH :3 
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:iconlenabelle02:
Lenabelle02 Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Holy crap, yes!! :D
Reply
:iconchibifananime:
chibiFANanime Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
AMG, THATS DAMN AWESOME. :iconamgplz:
Reply
:iconlenabelle02:
Lenabelle02 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I know! :happybounce: 
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:iconchibifananime:
chibiFANanime Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
THATS SO DAMN FRIGGIN' AWESOME :iconimseriousplz:
Reply
:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Student Writer
Ive never heard of that one before
Reply
:iconchibifananime:
chibiFANanime Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Its kinda creepy .. but its a pretty good one with a complicated story^^
Reply
:iconfreakyy-dragon:
Freakyy-Dragon Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013
I tought it was a Rammstein Lyrics
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:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Student Writer
A what?
Reply
:iconfreakyy-dragon:
Freakyy-Dragon Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2013
A song from Rammstein with the Title "Asche zu Asche" (means Ashes to Ashes)
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:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Student Writer
That sounds interesting
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:iconfreakyy-dragon:
Freakyy-Dragon Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013
Yeah, the Song is really cool.
Reply
:iconkrazii1331:
krazii1331 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Lovely.
Reply
:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you for that :3
Reply
:iconclaireq123:
ClaireQ123 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is great. I love poems that have a certain voice and flow to it. Great job!
Reply
:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much! I tired hard on both of those
Reply
:iconlapoetry-n-photo:
LAPoetry-n-Photo Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I like the theme but the rhyme scheme isn't maintained in all four stanzas - it makes the third seem a bit out of place. Good work.
Reply
:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Student Writer

Thank you for that, It means a lot :)

 

But I did that on purpose acutually. It was suppose to symbolize how the speaker, or singer, was slowly getting more and more depressed, meaning their would be less thought put into rhyming and more of just expressing.

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:iconlunaintegrity:
LunaIntegrity Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The past is the past and there isn't anything you can do to change it. Great writing.
Reply
:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you, and sometimes I really wish there was something we could do
Reply
:iconsilvifu:
silvifu Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I love it, good work
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:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Student Writer
thanks a lot :3
Reply
:iconsilvifu:
silvifu Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I really like it
Reply
:iconotokatskiwolf:
otokatskiwolf Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
looks like a verse I know: V5 - "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we're all going ot die so let's fill our lust. Let's burn the bridges and the cities too, claiming all the blood for Jashin and sacrificing the hearts of the heathens who wrong him so. Be fearless to the death that follows our trail. We will never give way to the grasp of the heathens, but send them back to the ashes from which they began. Amen."
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:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Student Writer
Where is that from? And I like it.. Its.. A little scary tho O.o
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:iconotokatskiwolf:
otokatskiwolf Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
From the Jashinist doctrine. (Yes it's a real religion)
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:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Student Writer
Really? I've never heard of that one
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:iconotokatskiwolf:
otokatskiwolf Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Jashinism or the doctrine?
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:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2013  Student Writer
Both I guess.. I don't really know much about religions
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:iconotokatskiwolf:
otokatskiwolf Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Jashinism was almost lost, so alot of people have not heard of it.
As for the doctrine- another Jashinist typed it up for me. Authenticity is questionable, but I use the verses anyway.
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:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2013  Student Writer
Why was it almost lost? I kind of feel like looking more into this stuff right now
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(1 Reply)
:icondeviousdragonz:
DeviousDragonz Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Student Writer
lol, when I read this, I sorta sang it, cause it sounds like a sea shanty! I love the way it rhymes almost!
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:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Student Writer
I did too when writing it!
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:icondeviousdragonz:
DeviousDragonz Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Student Writer
:P
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:iconwarr2:
warr2 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013
I liked it, good work.
Reply
:iconthelonelywolf678:
thelonelywolf678 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Student Writer
Im glad you did <3
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